


Tralfamadorian rabbits are not fun

by adventuresofJo



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alien Diseases, Humour, M/M, What else did you expect from me, alien bunnies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 04:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14536992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adventuresofJo/pseuds/adventuresofJo
Summary: Jack looks a bit...off.





	Tralfamadorian rabbits are not fun

**Author's Note:**

> Kurt Vonnegut, anyone? Tralfamador yo!

Ianto usually agreed with what Jack called "fun". Usually. Most of the time, “fun” meant an adventure of some kind, be it an alien artifact to repair, a new restaurant to try, or complex positions during sex.

This was not fun. “Come greet these tralfamadorian rabbits the Rift dropped,” Jack said. “ It’ll be fun,” he said. Once a conman, always a conman, Ianto figured. Though usually Jack kept the cons for hostile aliens, not his lover and his coworkers.

Not. Fun. Ianto was worried sick. When Jack died, horrible as it was -every time again Ianto feared it would stick. That he would lose Jack forever- he healed up when he revived. This time though…

“Jack, mate, I really need to draw some blood. This shit isn’t normal,” Owen grouched.

“It’s fine, I’m fine! Really!”

“Jack, you died and you’re not fine”, Gwen said, pointedly looking at the ceiling, as if it would open up and send help from above, bless her. Things that came from “above” tended to make problems instead of fix them. However naive she tended to be, Gwen was right in saying that Jack was not fine.

“The scanners aren’t picking up anything out of the ordinary and clearly, this is not how you ordinarily look”, Tosh added, tactful as ever. “I feel perfectly ordinarily fine. Stop worrying.”

Ianto couldn’t help but roll his eyes again, for what felt like the thousandth time today.

“Jack,” he said, “You’re blue. You were green two hours ago. You’re steadily turning purple. You’re not fine.”

“I am always fine. No really, I am though, I’m feeling great! I never thought you the superficial type Ianto, a little colour never hurt nobody.”

Ianto fought the urge to roll his eyes again but lost. If Jack continued to act like this, Ianto’s eyes would roll out of their sockets.

“Come on. Owen just needs to draw some blood.” If Ianto didn’t know any better he’d swear Jack just...shuddered. Just a tiny bit.

“It won’t even hurt,” Owen added, “I’m a professional. I can do this with my eyes closed!”

Jack did shudder at that.

“I’d prefer if you kept them open.”

If light bulbs would actually appear above people’s heads when they had an idea or when something clicked, a small sun would have appeared above Ianto’s head. Jack was afraid of needles. It was the only reason Ianto could think of to explain Jack’s behaviour. Luckily for Jack, Ianto was a tactful, empathic man. He would try to convince Jack without tipping off the others, and he knew precisely how to do that.

“Jack, why don’t we go over the Tralfamador files in your office, see if we can’t find anything that points to...blueness. I’m rather certain I read something filed under “Rabbits, tralfamadorian, colour-inducing” in the archives some time ago.”

Jack frowned, obviously not impressed with Ianto’s little story. Owen, of all people, came to Ianto’s rescue.

“Yeah, you do that, who knows. Let’s just hope this issue you got here is not contagious”, he said, while pointedly looking at Ianto as if to say anything, really, just convince him to let me do some tests.

Ianto grabbed Jacks hand and lead him to Jack’s office. The moment they were inside, he pushed Jack up against the door and kissed him. Of course, Jack, being Jack, kissed back. After 2 minutes of kissing and some groping, Ianto saw his opportunity and - _Click_

“Did you just...handcuff me?”

If the situation weren’t so dire, Ianto would have laughed at Jacks sheer surprise.

“Sure did. I’m sorry Jack, but you really need to let Owen take some blood. Now come on. I’ll even hold your hand,” Ianto assured him.

It took some more convincing (and kissing, and okay, a blow job - sex was a great way to de-stress) before Jack agreed to go to the medical bay to let Owen draw some blood.

Thankfully, the others ignored Ianto’s messy hair and Jack’s flushed cheeks.

After Owen did his doctor thing, needles included--- Ianto’s hand hurt. He knew Jack had a strong grip (Lord, did he know), but this was ridiculous. His thumb was bruised.

“You owe me at least 7 hand-jobs. No, scratch that. You owe me unlimited hand-jobs I won’t be able to use my hand properly for a week!” Ianto complained.

Jack grinned. “Don’t you worry, we’ll figure something out.”


End file.
